The Big Giveaway (skit)

Announcer: (Rod Serling imitator) Good morning and welcome to the Apostate Zone! Consider if you will the plight of Fred. He hungers to aid his fellow man, yet he is unprepared to do so. Still, he doesn't realize his problem. So he spends his time spinning his wheels in the Apostate Zone.

Fred (behind small counter like a kid's lemonade stand): Come and get it while it lasts! It's all completely free! Free, I tell you! Completely and absolutely free!

Man enters.

Man: Pardon me, but exactly what is free?

Fred: Everything! Absolutely everything!

Man: Yes, but what do you have?

Fred: Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I can let you have this absolutely free. (Pulls out some piece of junk.)

Man: But what is it?

Fred: I don't have the slightest idea... but it's free!

Man: I can see why. Don't you have anything useful?

Fred: That depends on what you want to use it for.

Man: Well, I've got a big hole in my faith just now and I was looking for something to..

Fred: Say no more, my good man! Here's the best hole fixer I've ever seen. (Pulls out a 2 wood.)

Man: I said the hole was in my faith. How can that fix my faith?

Fred: Well, if you use it to plug up that hole, you can have faith that it's plugged. Yeah, that's the ticket! How about that, huh?

Man: No, I don't think that's going to do it.

Fred: Well, do you need anything else?

Man: Yeah! My prayers don't seem to be getting through lately. It's like the ceiling is made of brass or something.

Fred: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Man, this is your lucky day! I've got an A-number one brass ceiling remover right here. (Pulls out a can opener.) There you go! And it's absolutely free!

Man: Yes, and once again it's absolutely useless for my problem.

Fred: But you said ...

Man: I said that it seems AS IF the ceiling is made of brass. It isn't actually made of brass.

Fred: Gosh! I don't seem to have anything you need, do I?

Man: No. By the way, where did you get all of this stuff?

Fred: Sheol Wholesale! They've got lots of stuff you can get for next to nothing. And the payments are all deferred indefinitely!

Man: I read somewhere that there's some pretty heavy interest on the contracts from that place. You'd better be careful. But I've got to get going and find someone with the things I need to get myself fixed up.

Fred: What kinds of things? I mean, I've got all kinds of things here. Surely there must be something you can use!

Man: I doubt it and don't call me Shirley!

Fred: Sorry!

Man: Anyway, if you got all that stuff from Sheol, I doubt that you have any grace or joy or encouragement back there, right?

Fred: No. But Sheol doesn't carry those things!

Man: I know. I used to be one of their best customers.

Fred: Well, I'm sorry I didn't have anything you could use.

Man: That's okay! (Exits)

Fred: Boy! I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to give this stuff away! Oh, well! Better keep trying! Free! Absolutely free!

Announcer: Poor Fred! He doesn't realize he needs to have something in order to give it away. He has a vague understanding that what he has is worthless, even though it will end up costing him everything in the end. But without Jesus, which is what he needs most, you can find him right here, in the Apostate Zone.